Afis pe geamul cabinetului unui doctor:
“Dragi pacienti, tin sa va anunt ca NU beau flori… si nici bomboane.”

Am facut liceul in Uzina II in Brasov. Dl. Vasile Macovei, cel mai stimat si apreciat profesor din scoala, avea un stil aparte, prin care te facea fie sa il super simpatizezi, fie sa nu. Nu cred ca ar fi existat alta alternativa. In clasa a 12-a a fost promovat ca director.

Faceam fizica cu dansul. La una dintre ore, se uita la un coleg care purta cercel. Se uita atent, oarecum insistent, incearca sa spuna ceva, ezita… apoi intr-un final i se adreseaza:
– Comane, cercelu’ ala al tau spune multe…
– Ce spune, dom’ profesor?
– …creier mic.
– Cum de stiti asta, dom’ profesor?

Si oarecum ne asteptam sa ii dea un raspuns serios, sau sa deschida o dezbatere. Dar in schimb, zambind in barba, abia stapanindu-se sa nu pufneasca in ras, ii raspunde linistit:
– Pai am purtat si io vreo doi ani…

____________

Alta, si mai tare decat cea anterioara! De data asta protagonistii din “perla” sunt moldovenii. Intr-o atmosfera fff relaxata si funny, profu’ ne facea o descriere detaliata despre cat de lenesi sunt ei, despre cat de alcoolisti si inceti la minte sunt + pacostea Romaniei, etc etc. Acestui discurs i-a urmat desigur intrebarea fireasca:

– Cum de stiti asta, dom’ profesor?
Si raspunsul – care efectiv ne-a dat pe spate pe toti din clasa – nu a intarziat sa apara:
– …pai sunt din Vaslui!

Imagineaza-ti rasete pe urma! Ani de liceu, vai, ce mi-i dor!!

Am primit ceea ce voi posta mai jos pe email, de la un prieten din State, acum ceva timp in urma. Sunt in engleza, dar am sa presupun ca majoritatea userilor din comunitatea mioritice.ro vorbesc sau inteleg engleza. Daca nu, voi face un efort si le voi traduce.

So apparently, these things happened for real in Court. Sad… sad… story below:

ATTORNEY: Your present condition, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in which ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

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ATTORNEY: Now Doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: …did you actually pass the bar exam?

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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20 year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me? [LoL]

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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid!

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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

——————————————-
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

——————————————-
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? (appearance inseamna fie prezenta — care este sensul din intrebare — fie stil de a se imbraca al cuiva — care este sensul din raspuns)
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The alive ones put up too much fight.

——————————————-
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

——————————————-
And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. [m/]

Cica in Caracal in fata unui bloc cu 10 etaje, un taran cosea linistit iarba… hrrrsssht… hrrrsssht… Deodata apare in zbor un ametit cu un deltaplan, care purtat de o pala de vant se izbeste de bloc pe la etajul 6-7 si se prabuseste in fata taranului. Taranul, intr-un moment mai poetic al lui, cugeta asa: “Tara de kkt, atentate de kkt!“

Bula era in armata, ii moare ma-sa. Asta sensibil tare, se gandesc ofiterii cum sa ii dea vestea sa atenueze socul cat mai mult.
Intra un ofiter in cazarma, ii aliniaza pe toti, apoi spune:
– Toti soldatii a caror mama traieste, un pas inainte!
Toti soldatii se conformeaza.
– Bula, da‘ tu ce p***a ma-tii cauti in fata?

Secretara catre patron: Am doua vesti, una rea si una buna. Cu care sa incep?
Patronul: Cea buna intai.
Secretara: …nu esti steril :D:D